DemonicSkull.com :: Insult Sword Fighting

☠ Insult Sword Fighting Guide ☠

(for The Secret of Monkey Island)

Insult Sword Fighting is one of the most memorable gameplay mechanics in The Secret of Monkey Island. Instead of relying on reflexes, sword fights are won with wit! You must learn insults from random pirates in the forest, then use the correct comeback to each insult.

TIP: Fight as many random pirates as you can before challenging the Sword Master. You need to learn insults by having them used against you, AND learn comebacks by using the right response. Once you know most of them, you're ready to take on Carla, the Sword Master!

Standard Insults & Comebacks

These work against regular pirates in the forest of Mêlée Island:

Insult

Comeback

You fight like a dairy farmer.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!

And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

I've spoken with apes more polite than you.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!

First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

People fall at my feet when they see me coming.

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.

He must have taught you everything you know.

Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.

You run THAT fast?

Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?

Why, did you want to borrow one?

There are no words for how disgusting you are.

Yes there are. You just never learned them.

You make me want to puke.

You make me think somebody already did.

My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!

So you got that job as janitor, after all.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.

I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

I've heard you are a contemptible sneak.

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

Every enemy I've faced has run away!

You don't count. You always run away.

Sword Master Insults & Comebacks

NOTE: The Sword Master (Carla) uses DIFFERENT insults! But your regular comebacks still work against her — you just have to figure out which comeback goes with which new insult!

Sword Master's Insult

Your Comeback

My tongue is sharper than any sword.

First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!

So you got that job as janitor, after all.

My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

Only once have I met such a coward!

He must have taught you everything you know.

No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.

You run THAT fast?

I will milk every drop of blood from your body!

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today.

And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.

Why, did you want to borrow one?

My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!

I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

Every word you say to me is stupid.

I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

You are a pain in the backside, sir!

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

There are no clever moves that can help you now.

Yes there are. You just never learned them.

Now I know what filth and stupidity really smell like.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Tips for Winning

Fight LOTS of random pirates first! You learn new insults each time.

Pay attention to which comebacks work — the pirate will stumble backward if you choose correctly.

You need to win 3 out of 5 exchanges to win a fight.

Don't challenge the Sword Master until you know at least 10-12 insult/comeback pairs.

Remember: the Sword Master uses DIFFERENT insults, but the same comebacks work!

If you lose to the Sword Master, just go fight more pirates and come back.

Murray: Insult sword fighting? BAH! When I had a body, I didn't need clever comebacks. The TERROR in my enemies' eyes was comeback enough!

Guybrush: Murray, you never had your own body. You were one of LeChuck's anonymous skeleton crew.

Murray: ...We were TERRIFYING anonymous skeletons!